she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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