Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
