I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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