do herpes really smell.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
