remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
