I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
