when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
