just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
