Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
