3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
