remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
