Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
