No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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