Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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