I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
