I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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