On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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