i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
