I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
