I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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