So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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