the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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