We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
