Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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