So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
