You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
