I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
