if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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