Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she peed on how many people?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
