I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
