I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
