I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
