your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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