My liver just broke up with me...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
