Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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