She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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