Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
