im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
