so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Actions speak louder than pants.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
