I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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