It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
