Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
