I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
