he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
