I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
