didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
