literally had 100 drinks last night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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