I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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