I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
