Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
