It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
